The Watcher
by Faeries Twilight
Summary: Short, humorous fic when Spike was still the big bad and in the motherland. He runs into an eccentric watcher and an unlikely friendshipnot killiness begins. Standalone.


**Title:  **The Watcher

**Rating:**  PG

**Summary: ** Back in the William the Bloody days, Spike runs into a rather eccentric watcher.

**Genre: ** Humor

**Pairings:**  None

**Time Frame: ** Before the Show Started, After William was Turned and Angel was ensouled.

**Status: ** Complete Standalone.  Want more?  Ask for it!  ^_^

**Disclaimer:  **I OWN THE WATCHER!!!  MWAHAHAHA!!!

**Author's Note:** This just cracks me up..

**The Watcher**

            The vampire approached the short, tweedy man, bearing his demon face for the world to see and be intimidated by.  The soon to be victim giggled nervously and clutched a diary type thing.

            "Excuse me, sir.. would you mind if you told me exactly how you plan to murder me?" he pulled out a pen and held it over a blank page, hand shaking.  "Normal vampiric drainage?  Turning? Neck Breaking? Decapitation? Disembowelment?" He sounded rather exited.  And British.  

            The blond vampire stared at him incredulously, and then snarled his most menacingly.  

            "Oooh!  Torture?  Quite good!"  He began to write.

            "What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?"

            "I'm a Watcher, and this is my Diary.  I simply HAVE to write how I die in it.  Say, what about dropping me off the tower of London?  Quite inventive, if I do say so myself." He sounded pleased.

            "Well, um… I was mostly just hungry.." the man in tweed pouted at the demon's words.  "But I suppose I could rip out your innards, if you really do want it.." instantly, his face brightened.  

            "Perhaps we can say that we're nemeses!  And this is your revenge for me thwarting an evil plot of yours!" his hand was flying over the page, writing a false story of a gruesome death.  The vampire sighed and sank into an armchair as he observed the watcher.  After a bit, the latter rose his head and inquired, in an awfully British accent, "Would you mind much if I sketched you?  Posterity and all!  And a name, perhaps..?" he begged hopefully.

            "Go ahead, mate.  And I'm Spike."

            The man dropped his pen in excitement.  "Oh dear god, THE William the Bloody?!?" he seized the vampires hand and shook it vigorously, met with an odd look in return.  "No screaming?  I must not be doing my job.." he smiled, jokingly, showing a toothy grin.

            "Oh, no!  It's just that you, you're **famous**, you know!"

            "Reeeaallyy?"the blonde replied, flattered. 

            "Quite!" the watcher nodded chipperly.

            "So… tell me about this." Spike said, leaning back.  "I'm famous, eh?  And I bloody well should be, I mean I've killed thousands of people.  Innocent people!  In gruesome, terrible ways!"

            "Do tell me about some!"

            "Well.. this one time, there was this little girl in a coal bin…" Spike began weaving a tale of horror to the delighted man, who wrote frantically in his journal.  After several more stories, he hesitantly asked for the sketch.

            "Sure, mate.  Got anything I could read though?  I don't want to get bored and kill you before you finish…"

            "Right, right.. how about these?" the man pulled several volumes down and set them before the Vampire, then resumed his writing position, beginning a new page for the portrait.  Spike meanwhile looked through the books.

            "The order of Aurellius, The Savage Four, Insane Vampiresses, William the Bloody V1, William the Bloody V2, Worlds most Deadliest Vampires, Slayer of Slayers, a Watchers Handbook to Evil Vampires… man, the list goes on and on!"

            "I've just cross referenced those!  All of those mention you at least once, some more than others, naturally, and some are completely focused on you!  Do enjoy!" the Brit interjected happily.

            "Don't mind if I do.."  

Time passed, neither knew how much.

            "Bollocks!  I never did that!  And Angel was the bloody poof at this point!"  Spike exclaimed.

            "Really?  I must fix that!  Thanks ever so much!"

            More time passed, with the occasional correction from Spike and askance from the watcher for a position or expression for his portrait.

            "Hey, Spike…" the watcher timidly began.

            "Yeah?" he replied.

            "Would you fancy a cup of hot cocoa?"

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**Author's Follow-up:  **I love this story, especially the ending, even if I don't think it's very good!  Hehe!


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